September 11 starts my first blog entry. It, of course, is an extremely significant day for the whole world as we mark the 10 year anniversary of 9/11. I was in England on that fateful day in 2001 and will never forget the shock upon hearing the news around 2pm that afternoon. I spent the evening alone in my flat watching the horrific footage on the TV late into the night. It was all very upsetting, made worse by the fact that I was virtually living alone at the time. So much has happened since that day. Not just in the world but in my life. Ten years is nothing in the scheme of time itself but in a person's life it can feel like an eternity. In that time I've learnt a lot about who I am. I've fallen in love, Got married (something I always desperately wanted) I've travelled. Made wonderful friends. Life has been pretty good. But there's always been one goal that's sat higher than all these things. And it's a pretty simple one when you see how easy it is achieved for millions of woman everyday - Motherhood!
There was never a time when I decided I wanted to be a Mum. I can't relate to women who have these moments because for me it was always just there. I never thought too much about achieving it obviously until I met the right person. Scott and I married almost a year ago (Sept 18) and we started trying to get pregnant just a few weeks later. At first I thought it would be so easy. Despite the fact that I had been on the pill on and off for 10 years. I also had a few shaky weeks of Zoloft withdrawl which I had been on for 4 years to combat heavy pms. But month after month went by and although my cycle regulated itself pretty quickly, nothing happened until April 17 when after being about 4 days late I took a test and got a faint positive. The next two weeks were a blur of blood tests, waiting for results, worried trips to the toilet to check for spotting, and excitedly telling family and friends. Unfortunately the dream was short lived when on April 29 as I watched the Royal Wedding at my Mum's place, I started to bleed heavily. We rushed to the late night clinic who had my earlier in the day blood test results to confirm that the pregnancy hadn't progressed. I cried so hard later that night I thought I was going to have a heart attack!
The next few months were difficult to say the least. Who knew a person had that many tears in them? I'd have good days and bad days and days where I thought the world was so unfair who'd wanna live in it? I guess I never gave up hope though and I still haven't.
On July 18, approximately 3 days late I took a test at work and got a very faint positive. Unbelievably I kept it from my husband because I wanted to surprise him for his birthday on the 22nd even going so far as to buy a Happy Birthday Daddy card. On the 20th I started spotting and by the 22nd whatever hope I had for a 2nd pregnancy was over. I suppose I should call this one a chemical pregnancy rather than a miscarriage as I never even got to the doctors to check my HcG level. In my mind though it was still a baby that could have been but never was!
I didn't grieve as much after this one. I suppose I just felt numb and sadly enough becoming used to the let down. We had our first specialist appointment on Aug 1st. Private so the bills are slowly racking up. They sent us off for a blood test on cycle day 21 (for me) a sperm and semen analysis for hubby and an ultrasound on cd6 for me. We've done 2 out of 3 so far and should be back at her office end of September to get the results. I'm in 2 minds about this. Whilst it will be great if nothing is wrong, it just leaves us thinking "What next"? Why, if nothing is wrong, aren't we getting pregnant?" If something is found from these tests at least we know what to fix but at what price? Emotionally, physically and financially?
Throughout this year I've joined a wonderful forum (first on iPhone and now on Facebook) called iP Buddies. It's made up of women all around the world trying to get pregnant. It's as simple as that. The support and friendship I get from women I've never even met (and probably never will) just blows me away. Many times I feel like this hardship is happening just to me alone, it only takes a second to jump on Facebook and see that that is totally untrue.
Anyway I've rambled enough for my first post. For those who have made it here so far I hope you'll stick along for the ride, it's gonna be a bumpy one but the destination will be amazing! I promise!
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